Changing our perspective can completely reverse how we see someone or something. When we look at people through strengths lens the good far out ways the bad. When we focus on the good parts of someone, it’s not that we become blind to the bad parts of them but the bad parts no longer become an issue… because we are focused on the good that we see in them. Whatever we focus on will grow.
I have a friend who always talks about her husband in a positive way. She always celebrates the little things he does for her. She celebrates the times he gets up with the kids and let her sleep in. She celebrates his acts of kindness for others, acts of kindness that end up leaving her alone with the kids but she still celebrates him. It almost makes you think, WOW… he must be the perfect husband… but the more I got to know them the more I saw the neither of them were perfect in fact there were lots of stressful things happening in their lives but she always chose to focus and celebrate the man he was instead of focusing on the problems, the stresses and His lacks.
Now ladies… think about this sexually for a minute. Think about your intimate relationship with your husband. Now let go of all the negative thoughts you have had about your sexual relationship… like… Why does he need it so much? Why does he want me to initiate? I don’t like sex, I don’t want sex, and I don’t need sex… Let it all go for a minute… and Imagine the sexual, intimate part of your husband as something you adore about him. Imagine if it turned you on to know that he is thinking about you all day long because he can’t wait to have sex with you tonight. Imagine if you loved having sex with him. Imagine for a minute how much of your relationship would change if you could embrace and love the fact that God created him to be a man who wants to be with you often, intimately.
What happens to us when we decide – and it is a decision… when we decide to see the good in people and focus on the good in others we set ourselves up for a great life, for great relationships, for great marriages? How do I feel when I call a friend and complain to her about everything that Jason said he was going to do and didn’t do? I am looking for that friend to justify my position and for a moment I feel like… that’s right… I have a right to be upset about this… My complaining only fuels my anger and causes me to take that out on Him. So I am miserable, I make Jason miserable and I spread my venom onto my friend whom I chose to complain to.
But when I choose to focus, to dwell on, to think about, to talk about all the amazing characteristics and qualities that Jason has, I feel fulfilled, blessed and happy to be with him, Jason feels strong, strengthened and secure and the people around me feel encouraged and uplifted and safe to grow in the areas he feels he needs to grow in. Everyone wins…
Jason is brilliant at this with me. He spends so much energy on focusing on my strengths… he builds me up, encourages me and makes me feel like I am the only person on earth who could ever satisfy him. Now don’t look at him and say to your husband… See… Why can you do that for me? Don’t look at Jason and think he’s the perfect husband… He not perfect but he knows that focusing on my strengths causes me to want to be the best woman I can be and that’s a win for him.
We waste our time waiting for the other person to change… we have the power to make significant changes in our life based solely on what we choose to focus on.
Why do you think we focus on the negative parts of people when it’s a lose-lose relationally?
Hi Lori,
A great quote I would love to share:
You are not happy because you are well. You are well because you are
happy. You are not depressed because trouble has come to you, but
trouble has come to you because you are depressed. You can change
your thoughts and feelings, and then the outer things will come to
correspond, and indeed there is no other way of working…Emmet Fox
You know that old saying “I’ll believe it when I see it”. I like to reverse that and say “I’ll see it when I believe it.” When we believe the best in someone, that is what we will see. And when we focus on the problems, that becomes all we see as well. We need to breath life into the positive areas of our partners, our marriages as a whole and all of our relationships. It doesn’t mean the problems are pushed aside and ignored, it just means that the person with the problem doesn’t become the problem themselves.
Good morning Lori,
I have friends who are married and seems that whenenver we get together there’s this competition of which of them can “undo” the other. I mean they always have something negative to say about each other. So when one says something the other has to counteract and say something back defensively. When this happens it is easy to see only the ugly and makes people around them very uncomfortable. My question is how do you respond when you’re in that postion? Do you try to redirect the conversation to positive aspects of their relationship or is that interfering? My walk with the Lord is wonderful but how can I speak to them about God and how he wants us to treat each other without sounding like a “Jesus freak”.
Hey Lori,
Thank you for being so open in the area of sex. YOu are such an inspiration to me and my husband we have both read your blog and this one had particularly struck home with us. It is so easy to focus on all the things that you want the other person to do for you and not all the great things they do already. Thank you for re-energizing our love for each other. This is something that we are taking to heart and putting into practice.