Sex Week – Reciprocity

There seems to be a big difference between men and women in regards to how often is enough. Women physiologically don’t need sex as often as men, partly because just intercourse is not necessarily the most satisfying sexual experience for a woman.  But this area is a perfect area where there are differences but we need to use those differences to make our sexual relationships stronger and not allow a divide and disconnect to come believing that it’s not possible for different needs to be met. If men value frequency then we as women need to place more value on frequency.  If you are struggling with this in your marriage then it’s important to talk about it and agree upon a comfortable approximate number of times a week. And if women value quality over quantity then men need to place more value on quality and the non-sexual aspects of sex and intimacy.

Now quality is not to be mistaken with length of time. Many women are juggling, home care, children care, hubby care, along with jobs, passions and other interests. Most women go to bed very tired so a long drawn out sexual experience just sounds exhausting more often than not. That’s why sex for women needs to start in the morning with a passionate kiss, or a prayer of blessing or an “I love waking up beside you every day” kind of compliment. When a woman feels valued by her husband she is receptive and desirous to meet his needs and wants.

I know frequency is something Jason and I have had many conversations about during our 12-year marriage. In the early years and before kids it was definitely more often but not necessarily better. In the early years we struggled to really connect with each other and truly meet each other’s needs. I focused too much attention on doing what I thought Jason wanted me to do and he did the same and we both fell short.

When we were more concerned about what we thought the other person wanted we were not loving each other with pure motives… we were trying to please each other and every time our own desires came through our actions. If I wanted Jason to cuddle me or gently caress me I would do that to him… and Jason would do the same kinds of things to me that he wanted me to do to him.  So instead of talking about what we truly loved intimately we showed each other by trying to create reciprocity. Reciprocity is an ineffective way to meet each other’s needs sexually.

The more healthy we get as individuals the more able Jason and I are to fully meet each others need with unconditionally motives.  When I understand Jason’s needs as a man and love and accept him and the man God created him to be, I am free to meet those needs with joy and fulfillment. 
Jason has never struggled to meet my sexual needs, in fact he has always been pretty interested in meeting them, however when Jason understands and fully accepts that my needs are less about sex and more about affirmation, affection and connection then he is free to meet those needs without condition.

We do not get this right every time, we both go through selfish seasons, we go through circumstantially busier seasons, we go through seasons of struggle, we go through seasons of child birth, ect. And we both change over time and so we need to talk about this regularly… not every day but at least every few months to make sure that we understand each other needs.

Understanding and embracing each other’s differences is much more effective way of connecting intimately in marriage.

Have you ever found yourself trying to play the reciprocity game in your relationships?  You do for someone else what you hope they will do for you?

Check out what Jason has to say on his blog