I received some negative feedback after my post on Not Being Defined by Motherhood. I don’t tend to be an overly sensitive person nor am I easily offended however sometimes negative words stick in my head and I think on them and sometimes dwell on them because of my desire to be at peace with people. I hate to disappoint people so if I feel like I have disappointed someone I can dwell on it depending on what it’s about.
I heard something that stuck with me from an article I read by John Ortberg called “The Approval Addiction” It was an incredible article for anyone who struggles with wanting or needing the approval of others. He explained that the kind of criticism that affects us most is when we believe there might be an ounce of truth or validity to what the person is saying. For example if someone says your are lazy… what might pop into your head is the 3 nights this week you sat in front of the TV because you just needed to relax and veg-out. Or the 4 mornings this week that you pressed snooze on your alarm and was almost late for work. Criticism that really gets under our skin is usually because we believe there may be an ounce of truth to it.
But we don’t usually go there… we usually try and defend ourselves by trying to make ourselves believe that it’s not true that person is just jealous or envious or hurting or rude. Well I recognized this feeling when I received this comment… “Anything that convinces us mothers to take time away from building home and nurturing our children needs to be severely examined”
That comment felt harsh to me and struck me deeply because it made me second-guess myself as a Mother. I believed that there might be some truth to that comment and because of that I beat myself up for a few days trying to resolve if I was allowing my calling to take me away from building my home and nurturing my children.
As Mom’s, as women, it’s not hard to get us to second-guess ourselves. Someone says I work out 4 times a week and we think oh man I need to work out more, someone says I did a craft with my kids this morning and we think oh man I should do more crafts with my kids, someone says I get up at 5:30am to spend time with God and we think oh man I really should do that to. It’s not hard to make someone feel like they are not good enough.
However my mission in life is to make women feel good enough so they will make wise, healthy choices for their lives because they believe it’s what is best for them, not because that’s how someone else does it, not because they want to look like or be like someone else, not because they feel inferior or insecure.
It’s so easy for us to put a yoke on someone else of what works for us, of what we think is best, of our own personal standards but at the end of the day we are all accountable and responsible for our lives and our choices and we need each other to live our best lives. We need to support, encourage and uplift each other to be the people that God has called us to be.
In order for me to resolve something I often write about it. I will write my thoughts and feeling unfiltered and then once I get it off my chest I will write a second draft using more effective communication and then I feel like I can let it go.
Tomorrow I am going to post my resolution of the conflict of those comments… Hope you find it interesting…
How do you resolve negative feedback?
Hi Lori,
Happy Boxing Day. I think sometimes our reaction to other people and what they say, reveals to us things about ourselves. Sometimes what is said doesn’t matter as much as how we react to it. I think just labelling something as “negative” gives it more weight and allows it to have more of an impact then it actually does. Sometimes we label things as negative because of how it made us feel or what it brought out in us, but is it really negative? And if so, is the feedback really directed at or connected to you? Or is it simply their reaction, based on their perception, their life experience and their circumstances? Sometimes it has to be left as “just an opinion or another point of view.”
Second guessing ourselves based on another’s life choices is really comparing ourselves to each other. Everyone walks their own path and has a different calling in their daily lives. I believe the most important thing to do, as you said Lori, is to be true to our own lives and live the life we want, the life we were called to live, the life God wants for us. Someone else’s choices does not dictate nor determine how we are to live our lives.
Galatians 5:25-26 (Msg)
That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.
Galatians 6:4
Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.
And always remember “just because someone says something, doesn’t make it so.”
Have a beautiful, wonderful day with your loved ones.
with much love and many blessings,
Shelley
(sorry if this is a bit long..oops
Funny you should post on this particular subject. I received a scathing comment, unsolicited and unwarranted on Christmas Eve, which left me wondering, guessing and self-criticizing for almost 2 days. What did I do, the only thing I possibly could – laid it at the cross and filled my head with Scripture that counter-acted all the untruth and malice that came from the comments. What’s great is that it took less time than usual. Normally, I’d be thinking about this for a week. Maybe next time – a day or a few hours. Eventually, the Spirit in me will identify the truth of who I am rather than my trying to figure it out. Anyone who spends all their time focussed on one thing-one person(s) is out of sync with God. Jesus, others and You. Jesus often left his “children” the disciples to go and be alone with His Father.
I’m biting at the bit on this one. I want so much to comment. But, I’m using my discernemnt not too. I want to hear your response first.
How do I resolve conflict? the same way that Hope shared, before God..
Lori,
Today’s post has shown me the power of taking time to make an encouraging comment to a blog and not just being a lurker if something really blessed you.
I’m a lurker. (On your blog, that is…) and I’m a pastor’s wife/co-pastor from Tampa, Florida. I have been in full time pastoral ministry with my husband for 20 years, and we have three children. I read your blog often – I find it very encouraging.
When I read today’s post, I felt like kicking myself for not commenting on your “defined by motherhood” post. I was SO BLESSED by that post. But I just didn’t take the time to tell you. So please accept my encouragement now and my apologies for not giving you kudos sooner.
This subject if something I feel strongly about. I will try to be brief. Please forgive my rambling as I am a first time commenter and don’t want to hog the conversation. But, my thoughts are…
I, like you want so much for women to be agents of encouragement to one another instead of judging and comparing all the time. When we first came to our present church a little over five years ago, this issue hit me square in the face. The former pastor’s wife was a stay-at-home homeschooling Mom. I am a mother of three school age children, who works full time alongside my husband as a staff member at the church office, but also place great priority on my home — though I do not live the same lifestyle of the former pw. Our church had quite a number of SAHM’s who also homeschooled at that time when we first came. They saw me as “out of God’s will” and even actually said as much. (All of them have left the church by this point, by the way…) When I came to our church, women working outside the home breathed a sigh of relief because they thought, “finally, someone who understands and will come alongside us, and encourage…” (They didn’t feel this way toward the former PW, simply toward other promiment women in the church who held this attitude and were very vocal about it.) I came into a hotbed of controversy over this issue. I was basically the spark that lit this fire just by the simple fact that I worked outside the home. My goal was to bring the ladies TOGETHER, and let them see that women who choose either option can be perfectly in God’s will as this is a personal choice that you make after seeking Him on what is right for your family. Even church involvement was a touchy subject at that time because the SAHM’s also felt strongly that women with children still at home should not have much church involvement since it took them away from their “primary ministry.”
It was an uphill battle to bring these women together and quite frankly it wasn’t 100% successful because many of those moms who didn’t agree with my viewpoint and the way I was leading the women,left. Right now though, things are good. Those who come to our church now are accepting of either type of woman. We have begun to get more SAHM’s now and homeschoolers again in our congregation but they are the kind that are not condemning toward women of another choice. (If they are of the condemning persuasion, upon visiting for a few weeks and finding out about me, they generally don’t decide to make this their home church. Most of them say it is because they want to attend a church with a pastor who shares their “family values.” That just cracks me up. Lori, I have three children (18, 17 and 10) who deeply love the Lord, win many of their peers to him, lead worship in the church and are just extremely involved in general in the work of the Lord. We are a close family. How in the world do I not share their “family values”? I love my family too. I serve my family too. I am in God’s will.
By the way, one of the most important points I make when I teach on this subject is that for those who say, “motherhood is the highest calling” – they need to read their Bibles again because the call to be a partner with your husband was proclaimed long before your call to have children. (Genesis 2:18) Part of the issue with many women today is that they have child centered homes – they place their husband above their children – and instead of training their children and serving their husband, they train their husband and serve their children. The movie “Failure to Launch” shows this perfectly – this is your basic Mom today – completely wrapped up in their children’s lives to the point where when the kids move out, what do they have left? Nothing. They have been completely defined by motherhood. They have to “get to know” their husband again, and they have cultivated no other God-given talents in their lives during all those years, so they feel empty.
Yes, motherhood is a wonderful calling but it is not the highest calling (no matter what we may hear in mother’s day sermons across the land) nor is it THE ONLY calling. It is ONE of our important callings as women.
Praise God, we are not defined by motherhood – but by our calling as a daughter of God – and everything flows out of that.
Sorry to ramble on so long, I just felt so strongly about it and I wanted to tell you that no kidding, when I read your post, I was cheering for you that day here in Tampa, FL.
God bless you, Lori as you continue to follow God’s will in all of the important things God has called you to do, including motherhood, pastoring and writing this blog and being so faithful to do so.
With appreciation,
Deanna
Tampa, FL
Oops, forgive me – in my diatribe below, (GRIN), I made a typo! Just wanted to say that I said, “they place their husbands above their children” as something women do wrong, and I meant to say it the other way around – that in placing your children above your husband – that is the wrong thing to do.
Only God knows where we should be investing our lives. He uses every person in the Body in a different way for His purposes and plan. Humans are not able to accurately judge if someone else is following God’s plan properly. And isn’t it God who uses all things for good? I wonder if I think that I know what is right and wrong for someone else’s life than maybe I am trying to take God’s place instead of serving God’s plan. I need to be very busy investing in serving God and not judging my brothers and sisters. Separation and lack of understanding brakes us apart which results in us being less available for God’s work. Aren’t there much more important matters at hand that we need to be investing in?
I know many amazing families with working mom’s and I know many amazing families with stay at home mom’s. God is much more than a black and white judgement.
I pray that we always uphold people first and foremost and let God lead us with all the rest of it.
You asked “How do you resolve negative feedback?”…
you articulated what I think exactly.
I process stuff “out loud”, so I will typically bounce something off my wife, secondly the people I attend a house church with, and sometimes, seek out godly counsel if it’s really got me stumped.
I also want to say a big “I agree” with
Deanna the lurker from Florida
I also agree with Deanna! I guess I would say that first, everything we do should be filtered through the Bible. What does the Word say that we, as women are to do? What does it say we are not to do? As Christians we shouldn’t do anything simply because we think or feel it’s what is best for us. God knows what is best for us. It may not feel right, because what God calls us to is contrary to the flesh and sometimes doesn’t feel good. Like teaching our children self control, they don’t like it but it must be learned. As Christians, everything we do is for the glory of God. If what we are doing does not glorify Him because it is contrary to His word, then it is not glorifying. The woman in Proverbs 31 worked outside the home at times…she went out and purchased a field with her own money. That glorified God and in turn blessed her husband, her family and her servants. We are not defined by our motherhood, we are defined by our father God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. That, in turn, causes us to strive to glorify Him and we do that as mothers, wives, sisters, aunts, or all alone in a cell in China with no one to take care of and no home to keep.
As far as processing negative feedback…I tend to get immediately defensive if it’s someone I don’t respect or I don’t have a relationship with. Then I usually seek outside help to filter the crap out and to find the grain of truth that may be hanging out in the midst of the muck! If it’s from someone I have relationship with and respect I still have the knee jerk reaction to get defensive but because of our repore I can be confident that it is not coming from a sinful place. We all need people close to us who are willing to call us on our sin when it’s apparent. It ain’t fun but it’s life changing!
My opinion specifically about what to do with negative feedback is – if someone says something negative, don’t ever let it enter your heart until it first goes through a Biblical test. Is it true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report? If not why are you concerning yourself with it? Ignore it.
If God through His Word speaks something to you that resonates with what the person said – take it before the Lord and make it right. But if it doesn’t, let the filter handle it.
I have a filter on my jacuzzi and it keeps all the scum from taking over and makes it a continually enjoyable environment that I like to be in. So the scripture is a filter for our lives. Why do we take in so many scummy things that people say people say, but God doesn’t? It’s amazing how satan can take negative words spoken over us, about us, or about something we are doing (that is actually not wrong) and actually make us entertain all these thoughts for a while.
I used to do that all the time and at times almost went crazy with it. Now I try to let God’s filter handle things for me so that I can keep my environment a pleasant one. That’s how Jesus lived…everything was Word-filtered…so why not live that way ourselves?
I am with Lori and Deanna on the motherhood thing. But moving away from all friends, family, etc. was difficult when I started having babies and we were at our first Sr. pastorate. I was torn between what I wanted to do alongside my husband and two babies two years apart who were hyperactive and required all my strength. On top of it, a group of women became so disrespectful toward me as “just a homemaker” that they had difficulty accepting the co-pastorate. Now, 13 years later I am fully stepping out in pulpit ministry and it has been hard. It is such an encouragement to know that there are others out there with the call to copastor like myself. You ladies bless me so much. Thank you.
Lori,
Please let me apologize. It was not my intent to be harsh with my response. Honestly, I don’t know you, I only know what your position and what you write on your blog. I believe women closer to you would be better at giving you wisdom or critique rather than what a random women commented on a blog. My response was to your writing.
There is an unsettling amount of Christian woman encouraging mothers to got get an education (I have one) or get out of the house for 20 hours a week because it is good for us or because in this season of life there must be a higher calling than wiping noses and doing laundry!
I really enjoyed the commenter who said to filter everything through God’s Word. I see that you took my statement as a personal attack and that people are rushing to your defense (which is nice to see).
So please, take my statement, “Anything that convinces us mothers to take time away from building home and nurturing our children needs to be severely examined” (that doesn’t necessarily mean tossed out or done away with – just scrutinized and made sure its of the Lord!) and filter it through God’s Word, as the reader recommended. Think of all the latch key children, women working outside the home to fund another car or lifestyle, children acting out at school because Mom is too focused and exhausted from a career to focus on the child, or parents unwilling to allow God to develop patience in them through their children, and on and on the scenarios that the world hands us daily.
I am sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I haven’t checked your blog in a few months,
Blessings to you and your family,
Hannah
Lori,
Please let me apologize. It was not my intent to be harsh with my response. Honestly, I don’t know you, I only know what your position and what you write on your blog. I believe women closer to you would be better at giving you wisdom or critique rather than what a random women commented on a blog. My response was to your writing.
There is an unsettling amount of Christian woman encouraging mothers to got get an education (I have one) or get out of the house for 20 hours a week because it is good for us or because in this season of life there must be a higher calling than wiping noses and doing laundry!
I really enjoyed the commenter who said to filter everything through God’s Word. I see that you took my statement as a personal attack and that people are rushing to your defense (which is nice to see).
So please, take my statement, “Anything that convinces us mothers to take time away from building home and nurturing our children needs to be severely examined” (that doesn’t necessarily mean tossed out or done away with – just scrutinized and made sure its of the Lord!) and filter it through God’s Word, as the reader recommended. Think of all the latch key children, women working outside the home to fund another car or lifestyle, children acting out at school because Mom is too focused and exhausted from a career to focus on the child, or parents unwilling to allow God to develop patience in them through their children, and on and on the scenarios that the world hands us daily.
I am sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I haven’t checked your blog in a few months,
Blessings to you and your family,
Hannah