I believe our soul is the deepest part of who we are. I believe God can only truly touch our soul because it’s the only part of us that will go to be with Him when we die.
But my quest to touch the soul of my children is not to replace or touch the place reserved for God. My desire to touch my children’s soul is to really know them. It’s to know what they need; to know what there core need is deep within them. To actually touch my kids soul is more of a metaphor for touching them in the deepest way I humanly can.
Just recently my 7-year-old son wanted some cuddle time with me. He does not tend to be cuddly by nature but he wanted to sit on my lap and he wanted me to put my arms around him, he wanted to snuggle his head into me and just be held. We were out with family and friends which made this desire all the more unusual. There was a part of me that was uncomfortable with this closeness. Like somewhere inside me I believed he was too old to still need this from me. But I knew he needed something from me… something deep… something emotional… he needed warmth, acceptance and security and I had a choice to touch his soul… to touch his core need or to brush it off with a quick hug.
How many times do we satisfy our own conscience by giving someone what we think they might need while with holding true depth of the longing of their heart because we are just not comfortable, or we are just not like that. We need a close intimate relationship with God in order to touch someone deeply.
I could have given my son a nice long, affirming hug and told him to keep playing with his friends but the thought of an opportunity before my eyes to touch his soul allowed me to choose to meet the core need of his heart and I know that touched him and it touched me too.
I am so grateful for Christ in me… for I know without Him I would be a cold hearted, emotionally unavailable woman. His redemption has opened the tender side of my heart, and unlocked an emotional and intimate side of me that without Him would have never been realized.
Do you think you would know if you were emotionally unavailable to your kids?
There are days when I know I am not available emotionally to my children and other days when I am totally available. The more I learn about Jesus and the more I try to model his life, the better of a mother and wife I am. Prayer is what works for me. When I am with my kids, I often pray for Gods wisdom so that I know what words to use and that my actions may reflect my true feelings. I am not perfect, but one thing I do know is that the more I pray, the more I seem to understand what my kids truely need from me. What a privilege it is to have this knowlege.
Lori,
There are days when I blow it. I’m so emotionally detached somedays. I have found it’s when I want to be emotionally detached or so dog gone busy.
I have to remember at times that I was put here on this earth to provide that strength not only to my 3 kids, but my husband Paul too.
Too loaded to answer here. God and I talk about this almost daily, in some form or another, and I am too aware of my lack. I am painfully aware that I seem emotionally less available to one of my kids than the other, and I feel this discrpancy haunts me. Tough question.
Me again. I should mention that with God’s help, I see the gap between emotional availabilty and unavailablitly close almost daily, as He keenly makes me see opportunities to engage my children fully and where they are at. The challenge is to be prayerfully and insightfully aware of those moments (like with your son this week) when they present themselves, as I feel God will give us those moments to fill up our kid’s love tanks, if we are paying attention.
Lori, I absolutely knew when I was unavailable emotionally to my first son. Giving hugs were easy, when they were my idea. Unhealthy people don’t know how to give from what they do have themselves or don’t understand. I give glory to God that He loved me and taught me how to loves and is still teaching me.
When my son spends the night, somehow he ends up in my bed. If he knows I am awake, he will ask me “Hold my back” as to ask for my arm to put around him.
Since I don’t see him as often as I do, I try to maximize our together time nearly to 100% percent. When he is with me on the weekends, I do not even entertain the notion of getting a babysitter.
If you wanna go on a date with me on the weekend, then you are going to go on a date with me and my son.
I am not sure if I am doing this parenting thing “correctly”. However, when I am out and about with my son, the number one comment I get besides “your son is beautiful” and “your son is so well-behaved” is “It is clearly obvious that your son gets a lot of love”.
My parents were such bad parents that they are serving lifetime prison sentences because of their parenting (or lack thereof). I knew, from the age of 7, that I needed to take only the good things I know about parenting and do the complete opposite of the bad things I knew about parenting.
I am not sure how I am doing. I guess I will see when he becomes an adult.
Hi Babe:
As you know we were not a real huggy family. When I look back I can see that it was much easier to be there emotionally before the teen years hit. Teens can be very convincing that you do not want hug’s, snuggles or being tucked in any more! I bought into that lie!
If I had it to do over I would not have allowed this to happen. Parents beware! Teens don’t really know what they want and can be very insistant that they are too big for hugs – don’t make the same mistake I did! You will feel like you are hugging a board because they just stand there stiff as a board, but that board can be softened in time. They should know its comming anyway so they can stop pretending they don’t need it. I realized now I needed the snuggles more(tucking them in time) before “I ” went to bed more than they need it but did not realize it until now! There will come a time when they will stay up later than us!! They should be tucking us in when that happens. Keep that cycle going. Capture every moment you can get with those precious gifts God has given us, they will be full grown before you know it.