I was trying to write about something else today but I can’t get this
off my mind. I am stressed out about our finances. It’s not that we are
doing so badly, I guess. Compared to what right? It’s just that we are
not doing as well as I thought we were doing, or really if I am truly
honest, I think I kind of had an “I just don’t want to know” attitude
about it.
I went through all our finances today and I was happy
to see that we bring in enough money to cover what we spend; the
difference now is that we need to watch how much we spend because there
is an end to the pot. There always has been an end to the pot but it
just seemed that we usually didn’t reach it. Until now, so I have put
us on a little budget and it’s manageable.
The biggest part of
my financial struggle is that it’s not ok for me to make a mistake like
that. To be neglectful and to have a financial setback is not
acceptable to me. I do not give myself permission to let our spending
get more than we are bringing in and so to be in a spot now where we
really have to be conscious of what we are spending is a reminder of my
mistake.
I want to be the kind of person who takes risks in life
and apologizes later for the mistakes that risks bring but right now I
am so afraid to make a mistake that I don’t take any risks.
Just
the other day I had to call a friend and apologize for something. I
don’t have a hard time saying sorry but I have a hard time accepting my
mistakes. The thought of my husband being in the room when I made the
phone call mortified me. I feel so ashamed when I let someone down and
have to say sorry. I love to make things right with someone but I am
ashamed about my actions in front of other people, even my own husband.
The
message Sunday was about unconditional love and how when we do
something wrong we feel unaccepted which means that our receiving of
love is conditional upon whether we feel worthy to receive it. And
feeling worthy comes from what we do right or good according to our
measure. This is the worlds system; this is not God’s way. God accepts
us because of Christ’s work on the cross plus nothing. Failure,
success, it doesn’t make a difference to God when it comes to his love
for us. This is so hard to wrap my mind around. I believe it but I
don’t live like I believe it. But I think that making the choice to
accept God’s love, especially in my failures is a step towards really
understanding Christ more, and who he is. He is LOVE.
When I
don’t accept Christ’s unconditional love then I am unable to truly love
other people. My love for others is conditional when I place conditions
on Christ’s love. I believe that when I feel shame for a mistake I
place a condition on Christ’s love, that I will only receive it freely
when I am doing what is right. He wants me to surrender to His will and
His ways and His love when I fall short. So this is my journey and this
is what I will do.
I am accepted by Christ, even though I was
neglectful of our finances, He loves me in spite of my short comings.
Thanks Jesus, for loving me like that, I receive it fully today.
P.S. Perfectionism is counter Christ’s way.
